I. suck. at. life.
i hate being fat.
It needs to go away.
Isabella.Inspired
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
Twenty Nine.
I'd probably post a lot more if I actually had something great to say. But the fact is, I don't. The only thing I could write about is my failures. Which, by the way, I have many of those.
I feel unworthy of even posting as even as I write this, I'm sitting in a cafe. Eating.
My head is so twisted. I can feel myself slipping into self-hate. I recognize all the feelings that I felt before my downfall. However, last time the feelings are what led up to my weight loss. So hopefully I can transfer this hate from myself, to food. Sound like a plan? I agree.
If it helps though, right now I am eating rather healthy. A all natural blueberry pomegranate smoothie, a salad, carrots, and a veggie wrap. No food would be better. But whatever, at least it's not cake and ice cream.
Going to the gym today. I got a good 2 hours yesterday. Then I worked, went home, slept, ate, and slept again. I was supposed to work today but I called off because I really didn't feel like going.
Anyways, I guess that's all for now.
Stay thin ladies.
Isabella.Inspired
I feel unworthy of even posting as even as I write this, I'm sitting in a cafe. Eating.
My head is so twisted. I can feel myself slipping into self-hate. I recognize all the feelings that I felt before my downfall. However, last time the feelings are what led up to my weight loss. So hopefully I can transfer this hate from myself, to food. Sound like a plan? I agree.
If it helps though, right now I am eating rather healthy. A all natural blueberry pomegranate smoothie, a salad, carrots, and a veggie wrap. No food would be better. But whatever, at least it's not cake and ice cream.
Going to the gym today. I got a good 2 hours yesterday. Then I worked, went home, slept, ate, and slept again. I was supposed to work today but I called off because I really didn't feel like going.
Anyways, I guess that's all for now.
Stay thin ladies.
Isabella.Inspired
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Twenty Eight.
I weigh about 146. I want to get out of the 140's. Desperately.
You know what's weird?
How people with eating disorders generally lose their sense of 'normal.'
For instance, how is standing in the shower with puddles of vomit around your ankles normal?
And is eating the equivalents of 4 meals in one sitting 'normal.'
My problem is, I don't remember what normal is. My body doesn't know when it's full. So I just keep putting food in my mouth. Even when my stomach feels like it's going to burst, my brain still says that I need to eat.I seriously need to put an end to this.
Shoot me.
Isabella.Inspired
You know what's weird?
How people with eating disorders generally lose their sense of 'normal.'
For instance, how is standing in the shower with puddles of vomit around your ankles normal?
And is eating the equivalents of 4 meals in one sitting 'normal.'
My problem is, I don't remember what normal is. My body doesn't know when it's full. So I just keep putting food in my mouth. Even when my stomach feels like it's going to burst, my brain still says that I need to eat.I seriously need to put an end to this.
Shoot me.
Isabella.Inspired
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Twenty Seven.
Here's to a new beginning.
I hate this continuous cycle that I've been in. I have 1 good week, followed by 3 bad ones.
Time to put an end to this. I've realized that I'm actually quite sick of food. Although I continue to eat it. Why?!
Ugh, It's so frustrating. I don't know how I do it either. Even when I know that I'm full, I still crave food. I know I'm not physically hungry, I just want something to fill this void inside me. Anyways plan for tomorrow, Gym, work, home, gym, home, sleep. Repeat.
Thursday is my final session of therapy from my melt down of July '09. Funny, isn't it? How once I'm being discharged I begin to relapse? Shows how much therapy and shit actually helped me. Maybe I'm relapsing because I'm scared of being alone again. Maybe this is my desperate cry for help. But perhaps it could also be me getting and inch and taking a mile. I'm getting my freedom back, so I'm gonna run with it. Now I can go back to doing what I want.
Not what others think is best for me.
Anyways, I really need to stop eating.
Once again, I need to resort back to writing detailed lists of my daily activities....
Hopefully tomorrow will be a good day.
I'm gonna fast tomorrow.
I just decided it right now.
No food.
Isabella.Inspired
I hate this continuous cycle that I've been in. I have 1 good week, followed by 3 bad ones.
Time to put an end to this. I've realized that I'm actually quite sick of food. Although I continue to eat it. Why?!
Ugh, It's so frustrating. I don't know how I do it either. Even when I know that I'm full, I still crave food. I know I'm not physically hungry, I just want something to fill this void inside me. Anyways plan for tomorrow, Gym, work, home, gym, home, sleep. Repeat.
Thursday is my final session of therapy from my melt down of July '09. Funny, isn't it? How once I'm being discharged I begin to relapse? Shows how much therapy and shit actually helped me. Maybe I'm relapsing because I'm scared of being alone again. Maybe this is my desperate cry for help. But perhaps it could also be me getting and inch and taking a mile. I'm getting my freedom back, so I'm gonna run with it. Now I can go back to doing what I want.
Not what others think is best for me.
Anyways, I really need to stop eating.
Once again, I need to resort back to writing detailed lists of my daily activities....
Hopefully tomorrow will be a good day.
I'm gonna fast tomorrow.
I just decided it right now.
No food.
Isabella.Inspired
Monday, April 12, 2010
Twenty Six.
Distended Stomach from filling it up and emptying it 5 minutes later.
Scarred Knuckles from scraping against sharp teeth.
Blood Shot Eyes from putting so much strain on them.
Trembling Hands from disturbed electrolytes.
Eroded Teeth from stomach acid running past it.
Sore Back Muscles from dry heaving.
Blueish Nails from vitamin deficiency.
Swollen Tonsils from pushing my fingers past them.
Dry Skin from dehydration.
Destroyed Esophagus from ripping at it with fingernails.
And worst of all...
A Guilty Conscience from knowing that I have destroyed everything that I have worked for.
Control.
Anorexics always seem much more glamorous because they exert a certain sense of control. However, please tell me what is glamorous about stuffing for face with food, and then continuing to shove your head down the toilet and push your fingers to the back of your throat, forcing the vomit to rise from your stomach. Yeah, doesn't sound very pretty to me either.
Anyways, I kind of knew that this was going to happen to me today.
The day started out good. I went to the gym twice.
ate oatmeal, 1/2 banana, and 1/2 cup of granola at work today.
Then proceeded to eat everything I could get my hands on.
Aiming for another SWF this week. Last nights actually went okay.
It wasn't quite as hard to drink all of the water like it normally is.
I got results within the next hour.
I always feel empty after words, but slightly bloated from all the salt. But you know what? I think that the salt is actually really good for me. I never retain water. I'm dehydrated all the time.
I know I'm still losing weight, because the only time I really eat is at night, and I purge right after. And quite frankly, I'm really good at purging. Which is both a blessing and a curse.
Anyways, off to having lovely Ana dreams.
Isabella.Inspired
Scarred Knuckles from scraping against sharp teeth.
Blood Shot Eyes from putting so much strain on them.
Trembling Hands from disturbed electrolytes.
Eroded Teeth from stomach acid running past it.
Sore Back Muscles from dry heaving.
Blueish Nails from vitamin deficiency.
Swollen Tonsils from pushing my fingers past them.
Dry Skin from dehydration.
Destroyed Esophagus from ripping at it with fingernails.
And worst of all...
A Guilty Conscience from knowing that I have destroyed everything that I have worked for.
Control.
Anorexics always seem much more glamorous because they exert a certain sense of control. However, please tell me what is glamorous about stuffing for face with food, and then continuing to shove your head down the toilet and push your fingers to the back of your throat, forcing the vomit to rise from your stomach. Yeah, doesn't sound very pretty to me either.
Anyways, I kind of knew that this was going to happen to me today.
The day started out good. I went to the gym twice.
ate oatmeal, 1/2 banana, and 1/2 cup of granola at work today.
Then proceeded to eat everything I could get my hands on.
Aiming for another SWF this week. Last nights actually went okay.
It wasn't quite as hard to drink all of the water like it normally is.
I got results within the next hour.
I always feel empty after words, but slightly bloated from all the salt. But you know what? I think that the salt is actually really good for me. I never retain water. I'm dehydrated all the time.
I know I'm still losing weight, because the only time I really eat is at night, and I purge right after. And quite frankly, I'm really good at purging. Which is both a blessing and a curse.
Anyways, off to having lovely Ana dreams.
Isabella.Inspired
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Twenty Five.
if binging was on the schedule, I'd be on track.
I just ate a shit load.
After my SWF yesterday, you'd think that I would have savored the empty feeling.
But no, I had to blow it.
Do you know what that means?
Another one tonight.
Which sucks for me.
But I completely deserve it.
I think I purged most of what I ate anyways.
The good side is (?) it was more of a controlled binge.
like, I knew that I could stop when I wanted to. I just wanted to keep going so that I could taste everything that I wanted to taste. I also knew the entire time that I was just gonna purge it right back up. But I still know that it's all still left inside of me. :(
Salt water flush, here I come....
I'll probably blog later...
Till then, wish me luck with controlling this raging beast inside of me.
Isabella.Inspired
I just ate a shit load.
After my SWF yesterday, you'd think that I would have savored the empty feeling.
But no, I had to blow it.
Do you know what that means?
Another one tonight.
Which sucks for me.
But I completely deserve it.
I think I purged most of what I ate anyways.
The good side is (?) it was more of a controlled binge.
like, I knew that I could stop when I wanted to. I just wanted to keep going so that I could taste everything that I wanted to taste. I also knew the entire time that I was just gonna purge it right back up. But I still know that it's all still left inside of me. :(
Salt water flush, here I come....
I'll probably blog later...
Till then, wish me luck with controlling this raging beast inside of me.
Isabella.Inspired
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Twenty Four
-Warning: The following post is going to be rather disgusting. Read at your own will.-
Salt Water Flush:
I did it again. The infamous SWF, let me tell you. No matter how many times you do it, it'll never be fun.
Actually, it's a pretty shitty experience. [No pun intended...]
I drank my liter or salt water - 1 liter of lukewarm water w/ 1 tbsp of seasalt - At 5:50.
it took me 17 minutes to drink it.
A record I do believe.
For those of you who have never done this, it's a lot harder than you can imagine. The second that stuff hits your stomach, you want to vomit it right back up. Which you don't wanna do because that would mean that you swallowed it for no reason.
Anyways, sometimes it takes 30 minutes for it to take its laxative effect. Other times it takes up to 4 hours. Depending on how much salt you use, how empty your stomach is, and how much water you can actually force down. In my case, it took about 2 and a half hours for any sort of 'movement' to happen.
And once it starts, your pretty much stuck on the toilet for ten minutes. Pretty much, after the shit has come out of you,, you're basically just peeing out of your ass. Everything is watery and disgusting.
But on a good note, when you wake up the next morning, you feel absolutely empty inside.
My favorite feeling in the world.
Most people recommend doing it in the morning. But I prefer Salt Water Flushing at the end of my day, when I know that I have easy access to the toilet. I don't have to leave my house. Plus, like I said, you get to wake up the next morning knowing that all the torture you put your intestines through was absolutely 100% worth it.
Off to the bathroom again.
Isabella.Inspired
Salt Water Flush:
I did it again. The infamous SWF, let me tell you. No matter how many times you do it, it'll never be fun.
Actually, it's a pretty shitty experience. [No pun intended...]
I drank my liter or salt water - 1 liter of lukewarm water w/ 1 tbsp of seasalt - At 5:50.
it took me 17 minutes to drink it.
A record I do believe.
For those of you who have never done this, it's a lot harder than you can imagine. The second that stuff hits your stomach, you want to vomit it right back up. Which you don't wanna do because that would mean that you swallowed it for no reason.
Anyways, sometimes it takes 30 minutes for it to take its laxative effect. Other times it takes up to 4 hours. Depending on how much salt you use, how empty your stomach is, and how much water you can actually force down. In my case, it took about 2 and a half hours for any sort of 'movement' to happen.
And once it starts, your pretty much stuck on the toilet for ten minutes. Pretty much, after the shit has come out of you,, you're basically just peeing out of your ass. Everything is watery and disgusting.
But on a good note, when you wake up the next morning, you feel absolutely empty inside.
My favorite feeling in the world.
Most people recommend doing it in the morning. But I prefer Salt Water Flushing at the end of my day, when I know that I have easy access to the toilet. I don't have to leave my house. Plus, like I said, you get to wake up the next morning knowing that all the torture you put your intestines through was absolutely 100% worth it.
Off to the bathroom again.
Isabella.Inspired
Twenty Three.
So far, today has been a freakin' great day.
I've rejected lots of food.
My intake has mainly consisted of fruits and vegetables.
And even those have been minimal,
I still have about 200 calories left for the day. I'm hoping to not turn tonight into a disaster.
Thats what always happens, I have a perfect restricting day, and then throw it all away once night time hits.
But I've been doing okay recently, as long as I keep busy.
Every hour or so I go into the kitchen, open the fridge, peer into it, looking at everything that I could be eating.
Then I shut it, after coming to the realization that all of that shit is what made me fat in the first place.
And besides, I'm stronger than that.
I'm stronger than ice cream, and crackers, and pizza.
I'm stronger than chocolate, and soda, and everything else.
Do you know why?
Because I have control.
And I intend to keep it that way.
Isabella.Inspired
I've rejected lots of food.
My intake has mainly consisted of fruits and vegetables.
And even those have been minimal,
I still have about 200 calories left for the day. I'm hoping to not turn tonight into a disaster.
Thats what always happens, I have a perfect restricting day, and then throw it all away once night time hits.
But I've been doing okay recently, as long as I keep busy.
Every hour or so I go into the kitchen, open the fridge, peer into it, looking at everything that I could be eating.
Then I shut it, after coming to the realization that all of that shit is what made me fat in the first place.
And besides, I'm stronger than that.
I'm stronger than ice cream, and crackers, and pizza.
I'm stronger than chocolate, and soda, and everything else.
Do you know why?
Because I have control.
And I intend to keep it that way.
Isabella.Inspired
Friday, April 9, 2010
Twenty Two.
Work went pretty good actually, I was able to resist quite a bit.
until the end, but I didn't eat much compared to how my days have normally been.
I went to the gym afterwords, got a pretty great work out. I came home, ate an apple, and cleaned. Dinner will be in 30 minutes. I'm still trying to figure out what I'm gonna eat.
Other than that, the rest of the night should go smoothly.
At least I hope.
Night time is always the worst for me, for some reason, once the sun goes down, a trigger goes off in my head say Binge!
It won't tonight though.
The past couple of days have been great.
Why ruin it? Right?
Tomorrow will be great too.
I can feel it in my bones.
So a completely off subject side note...
How many of you out there are obsessed with taking a shit?
I am. I run to the bathroom 10 times a day trying to take a shit.
is that weird?
I guess I do it because I love the feeling of being emptier, and losing all the waste thats inside of me.
However, although I love taking a shit, I have not tried laxatives.
I'm too afraid that I will get addicted to them.
I mean, I'm already fucked up enough.
I don't need to add another problem to my life.
Isabella.Inspired
until the end, but I didn't eat much compared to how my days have normally been.
I went to the gym afterwords, got a pretty great work out. I came home, ate an apple, and cleaned. Dinner will be in 30 minutes. I'm still trying to figure out what I'm gonna eat.
Other than that, the rest of the night should go smoothly.
At least I hope.
Night time is always the worst for me, for some reason, once the sun goes down, a trigger goes off in my head say Binge!
It won't tonight though.
The past couple of days have been great.
Why ruin it? Right?
Tomorrow will be great too.
I can feel it in my bones.
So a completely off subject side note...
How many of you out there are obsessed with taking a shit?
I am. I run to the bathroom 10 times a day trying to take a shit.
is that weird?
I guess I do it because I love the feeling of being emptier, and losing all the waste thats inside of me.
However, although I love taking a shit, I have not tried laxatives.
I'm too afraid that I will get addicted to them.
I mean, I'm already fucked up enough.
I don't need to add another problem to my life.
Isabella.Inspired
Twenty One.
Perhaps today will be a good day.
The past 2 days were great.
Lets hope I don't fuck it up at work today. All the food that will be available to me is already running through my head.
If I can make it through work, I can make it through the rest of the day.
I know I can.
Stay Strong Ladies.
Isabella.Inspired
The past 2 days were great.
Lets hope I don't fuck it up at work today. All the food that will be available to me is already running through my head.
If I can make it through work, I can make it through the rest of the day.
I know I can.
Stay Strong Ladies.
Isabella.Inspired
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Twenty.
Well, whatever I'm doing, I seem to be doing right.
I haven't spent my whole day on the computer, or watching tv. I clean, and exercise.
And my eating is controlled.
I'm so happy. It's time to start watching the pounds melt away.
I need to figure out goal weights and rewards.
I don't feel like it right now,
but I'll figure it out.
I just want to be thin.
Like right now.
Many people at work say they're on diets
They say
"I want to do it the healthy way, a pound a week maybe."
You know what?
Fuck. That.
Fuck the "healthy weight"
I want this fat G-O-N-E!
I don't care if I screw up my metabolism.
I don't care if my hair falls out and my nails turn blue.
I'll do what every it takes to be thin.
I've always had a disoriented relationship with food,
and I know I always will.
I'm always gonna be unhappy with how I look.
But If I'm gonna be unhappy, I might as well be thin.
I get my car back sometime next week.
Then I can go back to the gym, everyday. Twice a day even.
As for now, I get to go to the gym 1-2 times a week.
But I've been jogging too.
I think I'm making progress.
I sure hope I am.
As long as I remain in control of what I eat,
it'll be okay.
I haven't spent my whole day on the computer, or watching tv. I clean, and exercise.
And my eating is controlled.
I'm so happy. It's time to start watching the pounds melt away.
I need to figure out goal weights and rewards.
I don't feel like it right now,
but I'll figure it out.
I just want to be thin.
Like right now.
Many people at work say they're on diets
They say
"I want to do it the healthy way, a pound a week maybe."
You know what?
Fuck. That.
Fuck the "healthy weight"
I want this fat G-O-N-E!
I don't care if I screw up my metabolism.
I don't care if my hair falls out and my nails turn blue.
I'll do what every it takes to be thin.
I've always had a disoriented relationship with food,
and I know I always will.
I'm always gonna be unhappy with how I look.
But If I'm gonna be unhappy, I might as well be thin.
I get my car back sometime next week.
Then I can go back to the gym, everyday. Twice a day even.
As for now, I get to go to the gym 1-2 times a week.
But I've been jogging too.
I think I'm making progress.
I sure hope I am.
As long as I remain in control of what I eat,
it'll be okay.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Nineteen.
I'm going to get back on the right track.
I made a list of things to do today.
And I'm avoiding food as much as possible.
I'm trying to stick to all fruits and vegetables.
And whole grains.
No processed, fried, or sweet food.
Hopefully.
I made myself a schedule thing for me to follow so that I won't do nothing all day.
I'll actually be cleaning and it'll be a way of making sure that I work out and not stuff my face every chance I get.
I'm also working on making rules for my eating.
I get my car back next week.
And then it's gym time!
I want to be tiny.
Only skin and bones.
I can feel my lack of nutrition creep up on me.
I'm starting to feel light headed.
And I've been bruising easy.
I want to tone down my purging though...
But I'll do what I gotta do in order to not gain weight.
I'll write more as I progress.
lots of love
Isabella.Inspired
I made a list of things to do today.
And I'm avoiding food as much as possible.
I'm trying to stick to all fruits and vegetables.
And whole grains.
No processed, fried, or sweet food.
Hopefully.
I made myself a schedule thing for me to follow so that I won't do nothing all day.
I'll actually be cleaning and it'll be a way of making sure that I work out and not stuff my face every chance I get.
I'm also working on making rules for my eating.
I get my car back next week.
And then it's gym time!
I want to be tiny.
Only skin and bones.
I can feel my lack of nutrition creep up on me.
I'm starting to feel light headed.
And I've been bruising easy.
I want to tone down my purging though...
But I'll do what I gotta do in order to not gain weight.
I'll write more as I progress.
lots of love
Isabella.Inspired
Friday, April 2, 2010
Eighteen.
Sorry I've been away for a little bit.
I constantly read everyone's blogs...
I just haven't felt worthy enough to make a post.
I suck at life right now. I eat way too much, I'm behind on my school work, my car broke down, I can't go to the gym because of that, and I get zero exercise anywhere else. Did I mention that I eat way too much?
Well, this has got to stop. I need to take back control.
Starting tomorrow.
I'm going to have to go back to planning my days.
Ugh, I don't even know what else to write.
Whatever, I promise to post more.
Lots of Love,
Isabella.Inspired
I constantly read everyone's blogs...
I just haven't felt worthy enough to make a post.
I suck at life right now. I eat way too much, I'm behind on my school work, my car broke down, I can't go to the gym because of that, and I get zero exercise anywhere else. Did I mention that I eat way too much?
Well, this has got to stop. I need to take back control.
Starting tomorrow.
I'm going to have to go back to planning my days.
Ugh, I don't even know what else to write.
Whatever, I promise to post more.
Lots of Love,
Isabella.Inspired
Friday, March 26, 2010
Seventeen.
Despite me eating a lot. I've lost weight. But I need to lose more.
Gym twice tomorrow.
No food at work.
Don't even get me started on the food today. Gonna go purge soon. Which will be the first purge of the day.
Other than that, I really don't have anything else to say.
Have a good night ladies.
Isabella.Inspired
Gym twice tomorrow.
No food at work.
Don't even get me started on the food today. Gonna go purge soon. Which will be the first purge of the day.
Other than that, I really don't have anything else to say.
Have a good night ladies.
Isabella.Inspired
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Sixteen.
Shit.Shit.Shit.
Today sucked. Beyond sucked.
I've eaten way too much
purged way too much. (Or tried. Nothing really came up today)
and have exercised way too little.
Wasn't I gonna Not eat today?
Yeah, well, that sure didn't happen.
I was eating a lot at work today.
I never really ate a full meal.
I just picked at everything. And I'm pretty positive that I've at least had 1500 calories. and it's only 6:00!
What. The. Fuck.
Where did the control go?
I had been doing so good.
Right now, I'm contemplating stuffing my face for the rest of the night.
I probably will. And then I'll purge everything. I'll purge until I can't get anything up.
And then I'll drink a nice cool glass of water, get ready for tomorrow, and I'll go to sleep.
Today definitely showed the bulimic side of me. Which is not good! I know how bad it is to purge. and I really don't want to. But I feel like if I eat everything tonight. I won't do it again tomorrow.
I hate myself so much right now.
Good news is, I went to the gym twice today. Bad news is, I still didn't exercise enough. I'm gonna go twice again tomorrow. With NO food. and ONLY water.
I need to be thin.
No more fat jiggly Isabella.
Time for a goal weight.
April 1st - 138lb
I know that to many of you that's huge.
It's huge to me too.
But it's a step.
If I make it, I'll give myself a reward. Which is to be decided.
I hope the rest of you are doing better than me.
Isabella.Inspired
Today sucked. Beyond sucked.
I've eaten way too much
purged way too much. (Or tried. Nothing really came up today)
and have exercised way too little.
Wasn't I gonna Not eat today?
Yeah, well, that sure didn't happen.
I was eating a lot at work today.
I never really ate a full meal.
I just picked at everything. And I'm pretty positive that I've at least had 1500 calories. and it's only 6:00!
What. The. Fuck.
Where did the control go?
I had been doing so good.
Right now, I'm contemplating stuffing my face for the rest of the night.
I probably will. And then I'll purge everything. I'll purge until I can't get anything up.
And then I'll drink a nice cool glass of water, get ready for tomorrow, and I'll go to sleep.
Today definitely showed the bulimic side of me. Which is not good! I know how bad it is to purge. and I really don't want to. But I feel like if I eat everything tonight. I won't do it again tomorrow.
I hate myself so much right now.
Good news is, I went to the gym twice today. Bad news is, I still didn't exercise enough. I'm gonna go twice again tomorrow. With NO food. and ONLY water.
I need to be thin.
No more fat jiggly Isabella.
Time for a goal weight.
April 1st - 138lb
I know that to many of you that's huge.
It's huge to me too.
But it's a step.
If I make it, I'll give myself a reward. Which is to be decided.
I hope the rest of you are doing better than me.
Isabella.Inspired
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Fifteen.
I've eaten way too much today. I'm not even going to post it. It's far too embarrassing. I've purged twice though. And went to the gym. I also weighed myself at the gym. .8 lbs lighter than yesterday. -I still refuse to post my weight.- I'm not sure about just how much was water weight. Idk. I currently have a BMI of 23. I want it to go down to 17.
Anyways, as for my eating I have to get better. I was doing pretty good for a few days. I have to get back to that! I need to start planning out my days. That sets guidelines for me to follow.
On tomorrows agenda:
Wake up
Get ready for the day
Gym
Work (No food!)
Gym
Home
Clean room/bathroom
Laundry
Nails/Eyebrows
Shower
Blog
Sleep.
I'm allowed 1 choice for the day.
15 baby carrots
1 slice of toast w/ low fat peanut butter.
2 oranges
If I do good at they gym, maybe I'll allow 2 choices.
No! what am I thinking? I'm need to be strict on myself if I'm ever gonna accomplish anything.
Ugh. I should just go for no food tomorrow.
That's the plan.
Water, Diet coke, and Iced Tea.
Nothing else!
Except gum, in order to trick my metabolism into thinking that I'm actually consuming something.
I also need water.
Actually, I'm having a dilemma with this whole water thing.
So I have really chapped lips right now.
And that's supposed to be a sign of dehydration. However, the more water I drink the worse it gets?
I think I'm sodium deficient.
Meaning that I'm not retaining water at all.
I swear, I can drink a glass of water and not more then 2 minutes later I have to pee. It's quite annoying to be honest.
Whatever, the more I pee, the more I know that I'm getting rid of bodily toxins.
Also it means that my kidneys are working, and my metabolism is going.
On a happier note, I get paid friday!
I will not spend it all though.
I can't.
I need to save my money in order to move out of my house as soon as possible.
After all, when I live alone, I get to choose what foods to buy. And If I don't have food in my house, I won't be tempted to eat so much.
Sounds good. huh?
Isabella.Inspired
Anyways, as for my eating I have to get better. I was doing pretty good for a few days. I have to get back to that! I need to start planning out my days. That sets guidelines for me to follow.
On tomorrows agenda:
Wake up
Get ready for the day
Gym
Work (No food!)
Gym
Home
Clean room/bathroom
Laundry
Nails/Eyebrows
Shower
Blog
Sleep.
I'm allowed 1 choice for the day.
15 baby carrots
1 slice of toast w/ low fat peanut butter.
2 oranges
If I do good at they gym, maybe I'll allow 2 choices.
No! what am I thinking? I'm need to be strict on myself if I'm ever gonna accomplish anything.
Ugh. I should just go for no food tomorrow.
That's the plan.
Water, Diet coke, and Iced Tea.
Nothing else!
Except gum, in order to trick my metabolism into thinking that I'm actually consuming something.
I also need water.
Actually, I'm having a dilemma with this whole water thing.
So I have really chapped lips right now.
And that's supposed to be a sign of dehydration. However, the more water I drink the worse it gets?
I think I'm sodium deficient.
Meaning that I'm not retaining water at all.
I swear, I can drink a glass of water and not more then 2 minutes later I have to pee. It's quite annoying to be honest.
Whatever, the more I pee, the more I know that I'm getting rid of bodily toxins.
Also it means that my kidneys are working, and my metabolism is going.
On a happier note, I get paid friday!
I will not spend it all though.
I can't.
I need to save my money in order to move out of my house as soon as possible.
After all, when I live alone, I get to choose what foods to buy. And If I don't have food in my house, I won't be tempted to eat so much.
Sounds good. huh?
Isabella.Inspired
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Thirteen.
I hate being home all day. It feels like such a waste of energy. Especially when there's nothing to do. I habitually go to the refrigerator out of boredom and peer into it. Sometimes I get something to eat. Other times, I don't. I didn't do too bad on calorie intake today though. 600ish. I wish I could give a more definitely number. But I think I purged twice and I c&s a couple times. I also can't remember exactly what I ate. So 600 is a safe estimate.
I went to the gym twice today! I can actually see myself getting smaller everyday. Although the scale fails to acknowledge this. I hate the scale. Especially since I know I'm gaining muscle. Ugh. I wish there was a better way to track weightloss. As long as I get smaller. I'm very aware of how much space I take up. As if I'm taking more than my fair share. That's why I love it when my clothes get looser. That's one way I measure my weight loss.
So while running on the treadmill today I was watching my self in the mirror. (Have you noticed how gyms have an awful lot of mirrors?) I was examining my body, watching how the extra flab of my arms moved as I took each step. I noticed how certain parts of my collar bone are becoming more and more prominent. My rib cage is getting smaller, my legs are getting thinner. But my damn hips won't budge. I'm afraid that I'm gonna start looking disproportionate. Sometimes I hate one part of my body more. But the more I think about it, I need to lose weight in every part of my body.
Face
Neck
Collarbone
Arms
Forearms
Wrists
Fingers
Back
Ribs
Hips
Butt
Thigh
Knee
Calves
Ankles
Feet
Someday they will all be perfect though.
Nice, thin, and bony.
With know extra skin or flab.
That's another thing I notices, I'm losing fat. But now I have loose skin.
I don't know how to tighten it up. Does it just tighten naturally? I want to be toned. Not flabby. Some sources say to build muscle. But I want to be thin not bulky.
I dunno...
Isabella.Inspired
I went to the gym twice today! I can actually see myself getting smaller everyday. Although the scale fails to acknowledge this. I hate the scale. Especially since I know I'm gaining muscle. Ugh. I wish there was a better way to track weightloss. As long as I get smaller. I'm very aware of how much space I take up. As if I'm taking more than my fair share. That's why I love it when my clothes get looser. That's one way I measure my weight loss.
So while running on the treadmill today I was watching my self in the mirror. (Have you noticed how gyms have an awful lot of mirrors?) I was examining my body, watching how the extra flab of my arms moved as I took each step. I noticed how certain parts of my collar bone are becoming more and more prominent. My rib cage is getting smaller, my legs are getting thinner. But my damn hips won't budge. I'm afraid that I'm gonna start looking disproportionate. Sometimes I hate one part of my body more. But the more I think about it, I need to lose weight in every part of my body.
Face
Neck
Collarbone
Arms
Forearms
Wrists
Fingers
Back
Ribs
Hips
Butt
Thigh
Knee
Calves
Ankles
Feet
Someday they will all be perfect though.
Nice, thin, and bony.
With know extra skin or flab.
That's another thing I notices, I'm losing fat. But now I have loose skin.
I don't know how to tighten it up. Does it just tighten naturally? I want to be toned. Not flabby. Some sources say to build muscle. But I want to be thin not bulky.
I dunno...
Isabella.Inspired
Monday, March 22, 2010
Twelve.
I'm not quite sure what to think about today.
So far, my count has been:
3/4 banana - 80
about 1 cup oatmeal - 160ish
vegetable soup - 170
So the total for today is 420 calories.
Eh, I guess it's not bad. But the days not quite over yet.
I'm not sure how much oatmeal I had, usually I have about 1/2 a cup. But my dad made it for me.
And it looked like a lot. So I sort of estimated.
The vegetable soup was delicious.
It was the soup that I was contemplating last night.
It was definitely worth 170 calories.
For the rest of the night, I'm not sure what I'm going to do.
As long as I keep it under the 1000 mark, I'll be okay.
I also went to the gym today, I would have liked to have pushed my self a little more, but my mom was with me and I could sense that she wanted to go.
Maybe I'll go back tonight. I dunno.
Wednesday an essay for uni is due. I should get started on that today.
But I don't work tomorrow. So maybe I'll just get it done tomorrow.
Speaking of school, I'm 16 and have already graduated highschool. I'm currently enrolled in college. I stole the name 'uni' from my euro buddies because I think its a great name.
I'm planning on having my associates degree by the time I'm 19.
After that, I have no idea about what I'm gonna do.
I'll just live life one day at a time and work on getting thin.
I'll probably post later.
Isabella.Inspired
So far, my count has been:
3/4 banana - 80
about 1 cup oatmeal - 160ish
vegetable soup - 170
So the total for today is 420 calories.
Eh, I guess it's not bad. But the days not quite over yet.
I'm not sure how much oatmeal I had, usually I have about 1/2 a cup. But my dad made it for me.
And it looked like a lot. So I sort of estimated.
The vegetable soup was delicious.
It was the soup that I was contemplating last night.
It was definitely worth 170 calories.
For the rest of the night, I'm not sure what I'm going to do.
As long as I keep it under the 1000 mark, I'll be okay.
I also went to the gym today, I would have liked to have pushed my self a little more, but my mom was with me and I could sense that she wanted to go.
Maybe I'll go back tonight. I dunno.
Wednesday an essay for uni is due. I should get started on that today.
But I don't work tomorrow. So maybe I'll just get it done tomorrow.
Speaking of school, I'm 16 and have already graduated highschool. I'm currently enrolled in college. I stole the name 'uni' from my euro buddies because I think its a great name.
I'm planning on having my associates degree by the time I'm 19.
After that, I have no idea about what I'm gonna do.
I'll just live life one day at a time and work on getting thin.
I'll probably post later.
Isabella.Inspired
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Eleven.
Today was good day.
I very happy. I have no idea how, but all of the sudden I got good at restricting again.
After six months of not being able to stop shoving food in my throat. I'm back on track. I think it's because a bunch of co-workers are on diets, and they talk about it a lot. And of course, being the way that I am, I have to out do them by eating less. Way less. I want them to notice me skipping lunch and not finishing my already tiny salad. This is great. 100lbs here I come.
I my intake for the day was 1cup of salad with about 1/2 tbsp of honey mustard dressing and 3 cucumber slices.
1 banana
and I c&s'd a mini bagel.
Yes, I chew and spit.
When I was at my lowest weight 7 months ago, I was restricting, purging, and chewing and spitting.
It's the only way to satisfy my cravings.
I don't eat when I'm hungry.
Usually I eat because I know that something tastes good.
So I can get the taste. and leave out the calories.
It's also a lot healthier then purging.
So obviously if I were to be classified.
I'm an EDNOS girl.
I'm not bulimic. And I dont have enough control to be considered anorexic.
I wish I could be called anorexic.
That's sick isn't it.
But once I can officially be classified as an anorexic, that will mean that I have done it.
That I have control.
Anyways, back to the C&S. I used to do it a lot. Then I stopped for a long time. And for the first time in 7 months I did it today. It was great. because then it feels like I'm still eating. And I don't have to worry about the weight gain.
So my calorie intake is at about 150 for the day.
The banana about 100
and I'm estimating 50 for the salad, only because of the dressing.
But the good news is I went to the gym for about 1 hour and 45 minutes.
I worked my arms.
And used the epileptic machine for a good 20 minutes which burnt 140 calories.
I'm contemplating whether or not I'm gonna eat some vegetable soup.
There's no fat in it and about 80 calories a cup.
I don't know if it's worth it.
I'm kinda hungry, but I'm also really enjoying the empty feeling. Tomorrow I'm going back to the gym. I don't know about my eating plan though. Because I have the day off so I'll be at home, meaning I'll be tempted with more food.
If I knew I could restrict tomorrow, I'd eat the soup without feeling guilty.
But what if I eat it tonight, and then eat tons more tomorrow? I could be skipping 80 calories.
Ugh. What kind of person puts this much thought into whether or not she's gonna eat a cup of soup?
Me. That's who. Because in my head, this is a very important decision which will effect the rest of the night as well as the entire day tomorrow.
Whatever, I'm not gonna eat it.
Isabella.Inspired
I very happy. I have no idea how, but all of the sudden I got good at restricting again.
After six months of not being able to stop shoving food in my throat. I'm back on track. I think it's because a bunch of co-workers are on diets, and they talk about it a lot. And of course, being the way that I am, I have to out do them by eating less. Way less. I want them to notice me skipping lunch and not finishing my already tiny salad. This is great. 100lbs here I come.
I my intake for the day was 1cup of salad with about 1/2 tbsp of honey mustard dressing and 3 cucumber slices.
1 banana
and I c&s'd a mini bagel.
Yes, I chew and spit.
When I was at my lowest weight 7 months ago, I was restricting, purging, and chewing and spitting.
It's the only way to satisfy my cravings.
I don't eat when I'm hungry.
Usually I eat because I know that something tastes good.
So I can get the taste. and leave out the calories.
It's also a lot healthier then purging.
So obviously if I were to be classified.
I'm an EDNOS girl.
I'm not bulimic. And I dont have enough control to be considered anorexic.
I wish I could be called anorexic.
That's sick isn't it.
But once I can officially be classified as an anorexic, that will mean that I have done it.
That I have control.
Anyways, back to the C&S. I used to do it a lot. Then I stopped for a long time. And for the first time in 7 months I did it today. It was great. because then it feels like I'm still eating. And I don't have to worry about the weight gain.
So my calorie intake is at about 150 for the day.
The banana about 100
and I'm estimating 50 for the salad, only because of the dressing.
But the good news is I went to the gym for about 1 hour and 45 minutes.
I worked my arms.
And used the epileptic machine for a good 20 minutes which burnt 140 calories.
I'm contemplating whether or not I'm gonna eat some vegetable soup.
There's no fat in it and about 80 calories a cup.
I don't know if it's worth it.
I'm kinda hungry, but I'm also really enjoying the empty feeling. Tomorrow I'm going back to the gym. I don't know about my eating plan though. Because I have the day off so I'll be at home, meaning I'll be tempted with more food.
If I knew I could restrict tomorrow, I'd eat the soup without feeling guilty.
But what if I eat it tonight, and then eat tons more tomorrow? I could be skipping 80 calories.
Ugh. What kind of person puts this much thought into whether or not she's gonna eat a cup of soup?
Me. That's who. Because in my head, this is a very important decision which will effect the rest of the night as well as the entire day tomorrow.
Whatever, I'm not gonna eat it.
Isabella.Inspired
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Ten.
Today has been pretty good.
I've basically stuck to the plan.
All I've had to drink was water and diet coke.
I had about 1/2 a salad on my break at work.
1/2 a banana just now.
We'll see how tonight goes.
I'm going to a dinner party type of thing and obviously food will be involved.
Good thing I'm vegetarian. :)
I'm hoping that I will do okay.
I'll try to only drink water.
Not going to the gym today. I don't have time. But tomorrow, I'm definitely going.
Foodwise, I'm only going to eat a salad again at work tomorrow.
After work, I dunno.
I'll try to keep it light.
Actually, I won't try. I will keep it light.
I was thinking about coffee.
Good or bad?
It makes your metabolism go faster.
Drinking it black means 0 calories.
But you get used to coffee way to fast meaning it doesn't have such an impact on your metabolism.
It also makes you have to pee all the time.
And dehydration means even slower metabolism.
Is it worth it?
Probably not.
Especially since I don't need another addiction in my life.
Starving my self is enough self harm. Don't you think?
Isabella.Inspired
I've basically stuck to the plan.
All I've had to drink was water and diet coke.
I had about 1/2 a salad on my break at work.
1/2 a banana just now.
We'll see how tonight goes.
I'm going to a dinner party type of thing and obviously food will be involved.
Good thing I'm vegetarian. :)
I'm hoping that I will do okay.
I'll try to only drink water.
Not going to the gym today. I don't have time. But tomorrow, I'm definitely going.
Foodwise, I'm only going to eat a salad again at work tomorrow.
After work, I dunno.
I'll try to keep it light.
Actually, I won't try. I will keep it light.
I was thinking about coffee.
Good or bad?
It makes your metabolism go faster.
Drinking it black means 0 calories.
But you get used to coffee way to fast meaning it doesn't have such an impact on your metabolism.
It also makes you have to pee all the time.
And dehydration means even slower metabolism.
Is it worth it?
Probably not.
Especially since I don't need another addiction in my life.
Starving my self is enough self harm. Don't you think?
Isabella.Inspired
Friday, March 19, 2010
Nine.
I went to the gym again today for about and hour and a half. It was so nice. And I'm kinda sore, so hopefully that means I did something good. I worked on my arms a bit too. Which I really need.
I took a friend with me. And that's nice because the whole time my brain was just thinking about how I could not let her out-do me. So she encouraged me to work out harder. I like the treadmill and the epileptic machine. Right now, I'm typing this, watching a movie, and stretching out my legs so that I don't get bulk.
That's one of the things I'm afraid of. Bulk. It's one of the reasons why I don't eat enough protein, because protein equals muscle, and muscle equals bulk. I want to be lean and feminine. Not Muscular and manly. Does anybody else feel that way?
Anyways. I work tomorrow. I'm not gonna be able to make it to the gym though. :(
But Sunday i will definitely get my ass over there. I'm afraid to weigh myself. I know I'm losing fat. But I'm also gaining muscle. Which means the scale could still possibly stay the same.
Ugh, I don't know which is better. The scale being lower, or my being skinnier. Because in my eyes, the scale tells you just how skinny you are.
On the eating side or today, I've done pretty well.
I skipped the oatmeal, had a small salad consisting of lettuce, cucumbers, a few croutons, with honey mustard dressing. Next time I'm gonna skip the croutons. And less dressing. I was able to say no to the cheese though.
I also hap 2 slices of pizza. I don't think the damage was too bad. I purged a bit of it. I also purged part of the salad today.
I know purging is bad. But being fat is worse. I'm trying to eat less so that I don't even have to purge though...
I think that's all I've eaten today. Which is great.
For the rest of the night, I'm not quite sure about what I'm gonna do.
I guess it depends on whether or not my mom makes dinner.
Drink wise, I've had water and diet coke.
That's good, right?
Tomorrow I'll try to have less diet coke. And I'll try to stick to water only.
Boy wise, I haven't heard anything back from the guys I went out with.
Whatever, some work out. Others don't.
I'm not gonna worry about it.
There's plenty of other guys I can go after.
Why go after them though?
I'll let them come to me.
That's not gonna happen till I lose weight though..
Anyways, that's it for now.
Isabella.Inspired
I took a friend with me. And that's nice because the whole time my brain was just thinking about how I could not let her out-do me. So she encouraged me to work out harder. I like the treadmill and the epileptic machine. Right now, I'm typing this, watching a movie, and stretching out my legs so that I don't get bulk.
That's one of the things I'm afraid of. Bulk. It's one of the reasons why I don't eat enough protein, because protein equals muscle, and muscle equals bulk. I want to be lean and feminine. Not Muscular and manly. Does anybody else feel that way?
Anyways. I work tomorrow. I'm not gonna be able to make it to the gym though. :(
But Sunday i will definitely get my ass over there. I'm afraid to weigh myself. I know I'm losing fat. But I'm also gaining muscle. Which means the scale could still possibly stay the same.
Ugh, I don't know which is better. The scale being lower, or my being skinnier. Because in my eyes, the scale tells you just how skinny you are.
On the eating side or today, I've done pretty well.
I skipped the oatmeal, had a small salad consisting of lettuce, cucumbers, a few croutons, with honey mustard dressing. Next time I'm gonna skip the croutons. And less dressing. I was able to say no to the cheese though.
I also hap 2 slices of pizza. I don't think the damage was too bad. I purged a bit of it. I also purged part of the salad today.
I know purging is bad. But being fat is worse. I'm trying to eat less so that I don't even have to purge though...
I think that's all I've eaten today. Which is great.
For the rest of the night, I'm not quite sure about what I'm gonna do.
I guess it depends on whether or not my mom makes dinner.
Drink wise, I've had water and diet coke.
That's good, right?
Tomorrow I'll try to have less diet coke. And I'll try to stick to water only.
Boy wise, I haven't heard anything back from the guys I went out with.
Whatever, some work out. Others don't.
I'm not gonna worry about it.
There's plenty of other guys I can go after.
Why go after them though?
I'll let them come to me.
That's not gonna happen till I lose weight though..
Anyways, that's it for now.
Isabella.Inspired
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Eight.
I got my membership!
At Snap Fitness.
A 24 hour gym.
Meaning that I can workout any day of the week and at any hour that I choose.
I went for about an hour and a half today and it was great. I'm gonna go again after work.
I'm so excited. I loved it so much. I love the machines that show how many calories you're burning.
And I can spend as much time in there as I want.
I'm soooo happy!
Now I can really start losing weight.
Tomorrow I'm also gonna try to watch how much I eat. Maybe oatmeal in the morning. A salad at lunch. And I don't know what my mom is gonna make for dinner so maybe a veggie burger. And the only liquids allowed are water, diet coke, black coffee, and maybe a glass of grapefruit juice.
The only reason I include grape fruit juice is because it burns fat.
So all in all, today was a great day. :)
I hope everyone else had a fantastic day as well.
Keep up the good work.
Isabella.Inspired
At Snap Fitness.
A 24 hour gym.
Meaning that I can workout any day of the week and at any hour that I choose.
I went for about an hour and a half today and it was great. I'm gonna go again after work.
I'm so excited. I loved it so much. I love the machines that show how many calories you're burning.
And I can spend as much time in there as I want.
I'm soooo happy!
Now I can really start losing weight.
Tomorrow I'm also gonna try to watch how much I eat. Maybe oatmeal in the morning. A salad at lunch. And I don't know what my mom is gonna make for dinner so maybe a veggie burger. And the only liquids allowed are water, diet coke, black coffee, and maybe a glass of grapefruit juice.
The only reason I include grape fruit juice is because it burns fat.
So all in all, today was a great day. :)
I hope everyone else had a fantastic day as well.
Keep up the good work.
Isabella.Inspired
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Seven.
I can't really tell how I've been doing recently, I'm not eating as much. But I'm still eating, which is the problem. I'm gaining control. I just need to get a full grasp on it. I think I'm losing weight. I'm gonna go get a gym membership tomorrow. I'm excited. I really need it.
My ex has been wanting to talk to me recently. I told him that I don't want to talk though. I told him that we're over, which means that we have no more to discuss. I don't want to be mean, but it has to be this way. We just can't be friends. I don't even want to be friends with him. He wants to see me tomorrow afternoon. He asked me to meet him somewhere. I'm not gonna go though. I can't keep letting him come back, it'll only hurt him more.
Speaking of boys, while I was working I met a couple of guys, I got one of their numbers. Naturally, the boy who didn't give me his number was cuter. I knew one of them from a long time ago, we just had never been friends or anything. Anyways, we decided to go bowling one night. The boy who gave me is number (N) was driving, he was sitting next to some girl. And the cute boy (J) was sitting in the backseat with me. The entire drive I was just thinking about how great this was, how obviously cute boy (J) wasn't with the other girl since they weren't sitting together and I wouldn't have to worry about N because it seemed as if he and the other chick were together. Anyways, we get to the bowling alley and of course Cute boy and the girl kiss each other and make it very clear that they are together. Then the girl turns around and it happens to be my very close, and very eating disordered friend. So I'm like 'hmm, this is cool' But it turns out that I do like N. We're planning on hanging out soon and he's cute too. So it all worked out.
So like I said,, the girl, D has an eating disorder. She weighs about 90lbs and is teeny tiny. I'm very jealous. So she has now become a great thinspiration.
I want to be thin. I will have control.
I have one more day off then I go back to work.
I guess I'm ready to go back. I really need the money. I've been spending way too much lately.
And besides, work is a great way to show off my self control.
Stay thin.
Isabella.Inspired
My ex has been wanting to talk to me recently. I told him that I don't want to talk though. I told him that we're over, which means that we have no more to discuss. I don't want to be mean, but it has to be this way. We just can't be friends. I don't even want to be friends with him. He wants to see me tomorrow afternoon. He asked me to meet him somewhere. I'm not gonna go though. I can't keep letting him come back, it'll only hurt him more.
Speaking of boys, while I was working I met a couple of guys, I got one of their numbers. Naturally, the boy who didn't give me his number was cuter. I knew one of them from a long time ago, we just had never been friends or anything. Anyways, we decided to go bowling one night. The boy who gave me is number (N) was driving, he was sitting next to some girl. And the cute boy (J) was sitting in the backseat with me. The entire drive I was just thinking about how great this was, how obviously cute boy (J) wasn't with the other girl since they weren't sitting together and I wouldn't have to worry about N because it seemed as if he and the other chick were together. Anyways, we get to the bowling alley and of course Cute boy and the girl kiss each other and make it very clear that they are together. Then the girl turns around and it happens to be my very close, and very eating disordered friend. So I'm like 'hmm, this is cool' But it turns out that I do like N. We're planning on hanging out soon and he's cute too. So it all worked out.
So like I said,, the girl, D has an eating disorder. She weighs about 90lbs and is teeny tiny. I'm very jealous. So she has now become a great thinspiration.
I want to be thin. I will have control.
I have one more day off then I go back to work.
I guess I'm ready to go back. I really need the money. I've been spending way too much lately.
And besides, work is a great way to show off my self control.
Stay thin.
Isabella.Inspired
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Six.
Blah Blah Blah.
Last I checked I had lost weight, but today and yesterday I had a semi-binge.
So I probably ballooned back up to my original weight.
I need to start purging again.
I want to get a gym membership.
It's on my to do list.
I also need to be more active and stop laying around all the time.
I really want to lose weight.
Like, Now.
I'm really really gonna go for a no eating day tomorrow.
I really hope I can make it.
I will make it.
I also need to STOP eating at work.
I'm done. No more.
And I'm going to go back to drinking water only.
I'm pretty sure that helped me a lot.
This is gonna take a long time.
In other news, I got a car, it's all registered with insurance and everything.
So at least I won't be at home eating so much now.
I should go running tomorrow.
Yes, I should.
Isabella.Inspired
Last I checked I had lost weight, but today and yesterday I had a semi-binge.
So I probably ballooned back up to my original weight.
I need to start purging again.
I want to get a gym membership.
It's on my to do list.
I also need to be more active and stop laying around all the time.
I really want to lose weight.
Like, Now.
I'm really really gonna go for a no eating day tomorrow.
I really hope I can make it.
I will make it.
I also need to STOP eating at work.
I'm done. No more.
And I'm going to go back to drinking water only.
I'm pretty sure that helped me a lot.
This is gonna take a long time.
In other news, I got a car, it's all registered with insurance and everything.
So at least I won't be at home eating so much now.
I should go running tomorrow.
Yes, I should.
Isabella.Inspired
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Five.
Tomorrow, I'm getting a car. I'm so excited.
Because when I get a car, I will have much more freedom.
I can be away from home more, so I don't have to eat so much.
And I can get a gym membership. So I can lose weight!
i weighed myself today, I'm about 7 pounds lighter than I was a week ago.
I don't really think I'm restricting.
But I have been purging.
I know, I know. It's bad for me.
But hey, I'd do anything it takes to lose weight.
I want to lose it NOW.
I want to be a size zero.
I want to where extra small clothes.
I want to have to shop in the kids section.
I want, I want, I want.
And it will happen.
Just you wait and see.
Anyways, to day was an okay day.
I love it when we're busy at work, it means that I have less time to eat.
I need to start eating healthy stuffy.
Stop with all the fried foods.
No more french fries.
I need to eat fruits and vegetables, and drink water.
Especially if I'm gonna throw up. Or else I'll get super dehydrated.
But is it just me who likes the feeling of almost passing out?
The lightheadedness.
So, what's the plan for tomorrow?
maybe some salad, and an orange.
Some vegetable soup.
Maybe I'll let myself have some crackers with it.
And oatmeal.
Ugh, I always feel like I have to eat everything.
As if it won't be available to me later on.
I need to stop that.
I need to get control again.
Blah...
Isabella.Inspired
Because when I get a car, I will have much more freedom.
I can be away from home more, so I don't have to eat so much.
And I can get a gym membership. So I can lose weight!
i weighed myself today, I'm about 7 pounds lighter than I was a week ago.
I don't really think I'm restricting.
But I have been purging.
I know, I know. It's bad for me.
But hey, I'd do anything it takes to lose weight.
I want to lose it NOW.
I want to be a size zero.
I want to where extra small clothes.
I want to have to shop in the kids section.
I want, I want, I want.
And it will happen.
Just you wait and see.
Anyways, to day was an okay day.
I love it when we're busy at work, it means that I have less time to eat.
I need to start eating healthy stuffy.
Stop with all the fried foods.
No more french fries.
I need to eat fruits and vegetables, and drink water.
Especially if I'm gonna throw up. Or else I'll get super dehydrated.
But is it just me who likes the feeling of almost passing out?
The lightheadedness.
So, what's the plan for tomorrow?
maybe some salad, and an orange.
Some vegetable soup.
Maybe I'll let myself have some crackers with it.
And oatmeal.
Ugh, I always feel like I have to eat everything.
As if it won't be available to me later on.
I need to stop that.
I need to get control again.
Blah...
Isabella.Inspired
Monday, March 1, 2010
Four.
Well well well.
After a couple days of not blogging, I needed to get back on here.
I pretty much use this block to keep myself in check. As well as to make sure that I don't slip up again.
I also use this blog to stay inspired by reading the blogs that my beautiful bloggers post.
They always seem like they are so much better than me.
I guess that's probably how everyone of us feel.
So, I did it. I broke my boyfriends heart.
I feel bad of course, but I also feel a lot better.
I can now see that I'm back on track to gaining control of my life once again.
I'm doing a bit better with controlling my eating habits at work.
I also need to keep myself from eating so much at home.
As long as I keep myself busy, I know I can do it.
I've also gone back to throwing up.
I used to do it a lot.
I stopped, and now I've started up again.
It's how I lost so much weight before.
By alternating throwing up with not eating, I lost weight quickly.
I also neeeeeed to start exercising again.
So I guess that if I had an eating disorder, I would be classified as EDNOS.
I don't have an eating disorder though.
I just have disordered eating.
There is a difference.
If I could choose what to be classified as something.
I would want to be Anorexic.
It's just a beautiful word.
The way it flows right of the tip of my tongue,
as if it were the exact same as perfection, and control.
I admire those who can go through the day without letting a morsel pass through their lips.
I respect those people.
I can't be anorexic though.
It requires control. Which I don't have much of.
I am an EDNOS girl.
I can have glimpses of control. I can pretend that I have control. Make everyone else think that I'm in control. and even almost convince myself that I'm the one who has control.
However, the moment that I shove my head down the toilet, I know that what I really am, is out-of-control. The moment I force my fingers to the back of my throat, I realize that there is something wrong with me. I know I'm not normal, and definitely not perfect.
But I'll get there.
One day at time.
One pound at a time.
Stay Strong.
Isabella.Inspired
After a couple days of not blogging, I needed to get back on here.
I pretty much use this block to keep myself in check. As well as to make sure that I don't slip up again.
I also use this blog to stay inspired by reading the blogs that my beautiful bloggers post.
They always seem like they are so much better than me.
I guess that's probably how everyone of us feel.
So, I did it. I broke my boyfriends heart.
I feel bad of course, but I also feel a lot better.
I can now see that I'm back on track to gaining control of my life once again.
I'm doing a bit better with controlling my eating habits at work.
I also need to keep myself from eating so much at home.
As long as I keep myself busy, I know I can do it.
I've also gone back to throwing up.
I used to do it a lot.
I stopped, and now I've started up again.
It's how I lost so much weight before.
By alternating throwing up with not eating, I lost weight quickly.
I also neeeeeed to start exercising again.
So I guess that if I had an eating disorder, I would be classified as EDNOS.
I don't have an eating disorder though.
I just have disordered eating.
There is a difference.
If I could choose what to be classified as something.
I would want to be Anorexic.
It's just a beautiful word.
The way it flows right of the tip of my tongue,
as if it were the exact same as perfection, and control.
I admire those who can go through the day without letting a morsel pass through their lips.
I respect those people.
I can't be anorexic though.
It requires control. Which I don't have much of.
I am an EDNOS girl.
I can have glimpses of control. I can pretend that I have control. Make everyone else think that I'm in control. and even almost convince myself that I'm the one who has control.
However, the moment that I shove my head down the toilet, I know that what I really am, is out-of-control. The moment I force my fingers to the back of my throat, I realize that there is something wrong with me. I know I'm not normal, and definitely not perfect.
But I'll get there.
One day at time.
One pound at a time.
Stay Strong.
Isabella.Inspired
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Three.
Today...
Was horrible.
I ate way to much.
I don't understand why I feel like I need to eat all the time.
I think that I really need to go back to counting calories.
I was doing so much better when I used to do it.
Ugh.
I hate being fat.
It's the worst feeling in the world.
I think that things would be a lot better if I were thin.
I love that word. Thin.
The way it just rolls right off my tongue.
And the way the Nnn finishes it off just right.
So what's the plan form tomorrow?
I would say no eating.
But I dunno.
Okay. I got it.
20 bites of plain oatmeal when I get to work.
(I work at 6 in the morning. So it's my breakfast.)
Lettuce only salad on break.
Orange at 5:00
1 cup veggies at 7:00
and that's it.
Think I can stick to it?
I sure hope so.
I also hope to stick a work out in somewhere too.
I need some goal weights.
My final goal weight is 90.
By June 1st I would like to be 120 at the most.
By August 13th I want to be 100
By April 1st I would like to be 130
I need to make a plan.
and stick to it!
BlahBlahBlah.
I'm fat.
Isabella.Inspired
Was horrible.
I ate way to much.
I don't understand why I feel like I need to eat all the time.
I think that I really need to go back to counting calories.
I was doing so much better when I used to do it.
Ugh.
I hate being fat.
It's the worst feeling in the world.
I think that things would be a lot better if I were thin.
I love that word. Thin.
The way it just rolls right off my tongue.
And the way the Nnn finishes it off just right.
So what's the plan form tomorrow?
I would say no eating.
But I dunno.
Okay. I got it.
20 bites of plain oatmeal when I get to work.
(I work at 6 in the morning. So it's my breakfast.)
Lettuce only salad on break.
Orange at 5:00
1 cup veggies at 7:00
and that's it.
Think I can stick to it?
I sure hope so.
I also hope to stick a work out in somewhere too.
I need some goal weights.
My final goal weight is 90.
By June 1st I would like to be 120 at the most.
By August 13th I want to be 100
By April 1st I would like to be 130
I need to make a plan.
and stick to it!
BlahBlahBlah.
I'm fat.
Isabella.Inspired
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Two.
I want to eat.
I want to eat.
I want to eat.
This not eating business is harder than I remember.
I habitually go into the kitchen and stare into the refrigerator every hour or so until I remember that I'm not eating today.
I did indeed fail though.
I ate a banana and some pickle slices.
Gross? I know.
I'm trying to drink water though.
I decided that for a week or so, I'll either not eat, or eat fruits or vegetables.
No processed food, meat, dairy, or wheat.
I'll include oatmeal though.
I love oatmeal.
I'm vegetarian too. So meat is out of the question which is definitely nice.
I think I'm going to cute out milk, eggs, and cheese too.
That will definitely help a lot.
I just want to be thin..
Isabella.Inspired
I want to eat.
I want to eat.
This not eating business is harder than I remember.
I habitually go into the kitchen and stare into the refrigerator every hour or so until I remember that I'm not eating today.
I did indeed fail though.
I ate a banana and some pickle slices.
Gross? I know.
I'm trying to drink water though.
I decided that for a week or so, I'll either not eat, or eat fruits or vegetables.
No processed food, meat, dairy, or wheat.
I'll include oatmeal though.
I love oatmeal.
I'm vegetarian too. So meat is out of the question which is definitely nice.
I think I'm going to cute out milk, eggs, and cheese too.
That will definitely help a lot.
I just want to be thin..
Isabella.Inspired
One
Here we go again.
I just deleted all my previous post because it's time to start over.
After I broke up with Ana/Mia for approximately six months. I realized I'm not ready to be single again.
So were back together. And I'm determined to make our relationship stronger that ever.
After our break, I ballooned back up to a weight that I'm too embarrassed to post.
Maybe later I'll post it thought.
Anyways, I'm determined to lose weight again. I was doing so well before too.
I got down to 112. Then I went through A lot of problems.
I got in some legal trouble. Got depressed, started taking it out on my self. Left some physical and emotional scars on myself, got sent to an inpatient treatment center, learned nothing. Got sent to outpatient therapy. Learned a lot. Got healthy, decided I was getting wayyyy too fat.
So now everything I have done is going down the drain. Enough is enough. Time for a fresh start and to start losing weight again.
So here I go.
Today is a no eating day.
We'll see how that goes.
I've lost all my self control.
I need to learn how to say no.
The reason why I've gained weight is because everytime I see food that I want, I eat it.
I'll get better though. I also need to start exercising. I recently got my drivers license. (sixteen btw) So I want to get a membership at a gym soon. I need a car first. So that I can go there.
I also work as a waitress. The worst job a eating disordered person can have. Only because I'm around food all the time.
I see people eating it all the time.
So it makes me feels like it's okay for me to eat all the time too.
Well, it's not.
I also have a boyfriend who knows about my previous disordered eating habits. However, I'm going to break up with him. I love him of course, but I can't stand to be around him. He's been irritating me a lot recently. So since I'm in the mood for fresh starts. I made as well make that change too. I don't want a relationship. I just want some fun.
The problem with having an eating disorder this time around, is that because I had all these problems before, which supposedly got fixed. I have quite a few people who know what to watch for. But they all think I'm better. Nobody is suspecting anything. But I know that can change.
So I'll definitely have to be careful...
Anyways. That's about it for now.
I'll probably post later.
Isabella.Inspired
I just deleted all my previous post because it's time to start over.
After I broke up with Ana/Mia for approximately six months. I realized I'm not ready to be single again.
So were back together. And I'm determined to make our relationship stronger that ever.
After our break, I ballooned back up to a weight that I'm too embarrassed to post.
Maybe later I'll post it thought.
Anyways, I'm determined to lose weight again. I was doing so well before too.
I got down to 112. Then I went through A lot of problems.
I got in some legal trouble. Got depressed, started taking it out on my self. Left some physical and emotional scars on myself, got sent to an inpatient treatment center, learned nothing. Got sent to outpatient therapy. Learned a lot. Got healthy, decided I was getting wayyyy too fat.
So now everything I have done is going down the drain. Enough is enough. Time for a fresh start and to start losing weight again.
So here I go.
Today is a no eating day.
We'll see how that goes.
I've lost all my self control.
I need to learn how to say no.
The reason why I've gained weight is because everytime I see food that I want, I eat it.
I'll get better though. I also need to start exercising. I recently got my drivers license. (sixteen btw) So I want to get a membership at a gym soon. I need a car first. So that I can go there.
I also work as a waitress. The worst job a eating disordered person can have. Only because I'm around food all the time.
I see people eating it all the time.
So it makes me feels like it's okay for me to eat all the time too.
Well, it's not.
I also have a boyfriend who knows about my previous disordered eating habits. However, I'm going to break up with him. I love him of course, but I can't stand to be around him. He's been irritating me a lot recently. So since I'm in the mood for fresh starts. I made as well make that change too. I don't want a relationship. I just want some fun.
The problem with having an eating disorder this time around, is that because I had all these problems before, which supposedly got fixed. I have quite a few people who know what to watch for. But they all think I'm better. Nobody is suspecting anything. But I know that can change.
So I'll definitely have to be careful...
Anyways. That's about it for now.
I'll probably post later.
Isabella.Inspired
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