Four.

Well well well.
After a couple days of not blogging, I needed to get back on here.
I pretty much use this block to keep myself in check. As well as to make sure that I don't slip up again.
I also use this blog to stay inspired by reading the blogs that my beautiful bloggers post.
They always seem like they are so much better than me.
I guess that's probably how everyone of us feel.
So, I did it. I broke my boyfriends heart.
I feel bad of course, but I also feel a lot better.

I can now see that I'm back on track to gaining control of my life once again.
I'm doing a bit better with controlling my eating habits at work.
I also need to keep myself from eating so much at home.
As long as I keep myself busy, I know I can do it.

I've also gone back to throwing up.
I used to do it a lot.
I stopped, and now I've started up again.
It's how I lost so much weight before.
By alternating throwing up with not eating, I lost weight quickly.
I also neeeeeed to start exercising again.
So I guess that if I had an eating disorder, I would be classified as EDNOS.
I don't have an eating disorder though.

I just have disordered eating.

There is a difference.
If I could choose what to be classified as something.
I would want to be Anorexic.
It's just a beautiful word.
The way it flows right of the tip of my tongue,
as if it were the exact same as perfection, and control.

I admire those who can go through the day without letting a morsel pass through their lips.
I respect those people.

I can't be anorexic though.
It requires control. Which I don't have much of.
I am an EDNOS girl.

I can have glimpses of control. I can pretend that I have control. Make everyone else think that I'm in control. and even almost convince myself that I'm the one who has control.
However, the moment that I shove my head down the toilet, I know that what I really am, is out-of-control. The moment I force my fingers to the back of my throat, I realize that there is something wrong with me. I know I'm not normal, and definitely not perfect.
But I'll get there.
One day at time.
One pound at a time.

Stay Strong.

Isabella.Inspired