Seventeen.

Despite me eating a lot. I've lost weight. But I need to lose more.
Gym twice tomorrow.
No food at work.

Don't even get me started on the food today. Gonna go purge soon. Which will be the first purge of the day.

Other than that, I really don't have anything else to say.
Have a good night ladies.

Isabella.Inspired

Sixteen.

Shit.Shit.Shit.

Today sucked. Beyond sucked.

I've eaten way too much
purged way too much. (Or tried. Nothing really came up today)
and have exercised way too little.

Wasn't I gonna Not eat today?
Yeah, well, that sure didn't happen.
I was eating a lot at work today.
I never really ate a full meal.
I just picked at everything. And I'm pretty positive that I've at least had 1500 calories. and it's only 6:00!

What. The. Fuck.

Where did the control go?
I had been doing so good.

Right now, I'm contemplating stuffing my face for the rest of the night.
I probably will. And then I'll purge everything. I'll purge until I can't get anything up.
And then I'll drink a nice cool glass of water, get ready for tomorrow, and I'll go to sleep.

Today definitely showed the bulimic side of me. Which is not good! I know how bad it is to purge. and I really don't want to. But I feel like if I eat everything tonight. I won't do it again tomorrow.

I hate myself so much right now.

Good news is, I went to the gym twice today. Bad news is, I still didn't exercise enough. I'm gonna go twice again tomorrow. With NO food. and ONLY water.

I need to be thin.

No more fat jiggly Isabella.

Time for a goal weight.

April 1st - 138lb


I know that to many of you that's huge.
It's huge to me too.
But it's a step.

If I make it, I'll give myself a reward. Which is to be decided.

I hope the rest of you are doing better than me.

Isabella.Inspired

Fifteen.

I've eaten way too much today. I'm not even going to post it. It's far too embarrassing. I've purged twice though. And went to the gym. I also weighed myself at the gym. .8 lbs lighter than yesterday. -I still refuse to post my weight.- I'm not sure about just how much was water weight. Idk. I currently have a BMI of 23. I want it to go down to 17.

Anyways, as for my eating I have to get better. I was doing pretty good for a few days. I have to get back to that! I need to start planning out my days. That sets guidelines for me to follow.

On tomorrows agenda:

Wake up
Get ready for the day
Gym
Work (No food!)
Gym
Home
Clean room/bathroom
Laundry
Nails/Eyebrows
Shower
Blog
Sleep.

I'm allowed 1 choice for the day.

15 baby carrots
1 slice of toast w/ low fat peanut butter.
2 oranges

If I do good at they gym, maybe I'll allow 2 choices.
No! what am I thinking? I'm need to be strict on myself if I'm ever gonna accomplish anything.

Ugh. I should just go for no food tomorrow.
That's the plan.

Water, Diet coke, and Iced Tea.

Nothing else!
Except gum, in order to trick my metabolism into thinking that I'm actually consuming something.

I also need water.
Actually, I'm having a dilemma with this whole water thing.
So I have really chapped lips right now.
And that's supposed to be a sign of dehydration. However, the more water I drink the worse it gets?
I think I'm sodium deficient.
Meaning that I'm not retaining water at all.
I swear, I can drink a glass of water and not more then 2 minutes later I have to pee. It's quite annoying to be honest.
Whatever, the more I pee, the more I know that I'm getting rid of bodily toxins.
Also it means that my kidneys are working, and my metabolism is going.


On a happier note, I get paid friday!
I will not spend it all though.
I can't.

I need to save my money in order to move out of my house as soon as possible.
After all, when I live alone, I get to choose what foods to buy. And If I don't have food in my house, I won't be tempted to eat so much.

Sounds good. huh?

Isabella.Inspired

Thirteen.

Excuse me while I go shove my head down the toilet.

Thirteen.

I hate being home all day. It feels like such a waste of energy. Especially when there's nothing to do. I habitually go to the refrigerator out of boredom and peer into it. Sometimes I get something to eat. Other times, I don't. I didn't do too bad on calorie intake today though. 600ish. I wish I could give a more definitely number. But I think I purged twice and I c&s a couple times. I also can't remember exactly what I ate. So 600 is a safe estimate.

I went to the gym twice today! I can actually see myself getting smaller everyday. Although the scale fails to acknowledge this. I hate the scale. Especially since I know I'm gaining muscle. Ugh. I wish there was a better way to track weightloss. As long as I get smaller. I'm very aware of how much space I take up. As if I'm taking more than my fair share. That's why I love it when my clothes get looser. That's one way I measure my weight loss.

So while running on the treadmill today I was watching my self in the mirror. (Have you noticed how gyms have an awful lot of mirrors?) I was examining my body, watching how the extra flab of my arms moved as I took each step. I noticed how certain parts of my collar bone are becoming more and more prominent. My rib cage is getting smaller, my legs are getting thinner. But my damn hips won't budge. I'm afraid that I'm gonna start looking disproportionate. Sometimes I hate one part of my body more. But the more I think about it, I need to lose weight in every part of my body.

Face
Neck
Collarbone
Arms
Forearms
Wrists
Fingers
Back
Ribs
Hips
Butt
Thigh
Knee
Calves
Ankles
Feet


Someday they will all be perfect though.
Nice, thin, and bony.
With know extra skin or flab.


That's another thing I notices, I'm losing fat. But now I have loose skin.
I don't know how to tighten it up. Does it just tighten naturally? I want to be toned. Not flabby. Some sources say to build muscle. But I want to be thin not bulky.


I dunno...


Isabella.Inspired

Twelve.

I'm not quite sure what to think about today.

So far, my count has been:

3/4 banana - 80
about 1 cup oatmeal - 160ish
vegetable soup - 170

So the total for today is 420 calories.
Eh, I guess it's not bad. But the days not quite over yet.

I'm not sure how much oatmeal I had, usually I have about 1/2 a cup. But my dad made it for me.
And it looked like a lot. So I sort of estimated.
The vegetable soup was delicious.
It was the soup that I was contemplating last night.
It was definitely worth 170 calories.

For the rest of the night, I'm not sure what I'm going to do.
As long as I keep it under the 1000 mark, I'll be okay.
I also went to the gym today, I would have liked to have pushed my self a little more, but my mom was with me and I could sense that she wanted to go.
Maybe I'll go back tonight. I dunno.

Wednesday an essay for uni is due. I should get started on that today.
But I don't work tomorrow. So maybe I'll just get it done tomorrow.

Speaking of school, I'm 16 and have already graduated highschool. I'm currently enrolled in college. I stole the name 'uni' from my euro buddies because I think its a great name.
I'm planning on having my associates degree by the time I'm 19.

After that, I have no idea about what I'm gonna do.
I'll just live life one day at a time and work on getting thin.

I'll probably post later.

Isabella.Inspired

Eleven.

Today was good day.
I very happy. I have no idea how, but all of the sudden I got good at restricting again.
After six months of not being able to stop shoving food in my throat. I'm back on track. I think it's because a bunch of co-workers are on diets, and they talk about it a lot. And of course, being the way that I am, I have to out do them by eating less. Way less. I want them to notice me skipping lunch and not finishing my already tiny salad. This is great. 100lbs here I come.

I my intake for the day was 1cup of salad with about 1/2 tbsp of honey mustard dressing and 3 cucumber slices.
1 banana
and I c&s'd a mini bagel.

Yes, I chew and spit.
When I was at my lowest weight 7 months ago, I was restricting, purging, and chewing and spitting.
It's the only way to satisfy my cravings.
I don't eat when I'm hungry.
Usually I eat because I know that something tastes good.
So I can get the taste. and leave out the calories.

It's also a lot healthier then purging.

So obviously if I were to be classified.
I'm an EDNOS girl.
I'm not bulimic. And I dont have enough control to be considered anorexic.

I wish I could be called anorexic.
That's sick isn't it.

But once I can officially be classified as an anorexic, that will mean that I have done it.
That I have control.

Anyways, back to the C&S. I used to do it a lot. Then I stopped for a long time. And for the first time in 7 months I did it today. It was great. because then it feels like I'm still eating. And I don't have to worry about the weight gain.

So my calorie intake is at about 150 for the day.
The banana about 100
and I'm estimating 50 for the salad, only because of the dressing.

But the good news is I went to the gym for about 1 hour and 45 minutes.
I worked my arms.
And used the epileptic machine for a good 20 minutes which burnt 140 calories.

I'm contemplating whether or not I'm gonna eat some vegetable soup.
There's no fat in it and about 80 calories a cup.
I don't know if it's worth it.
I'm kinda hungry, but I'm also really enjoying the empty feeling. Tomorrow I'm going back to the gym. I don't know about my eating plan though. Because I have the day off so I'll be at home, meaning I'll be tempted with more food.

If I knew I could restrict tomorrow, I'd eat the soup without feeling guilty.
But what if I eat it tonight, and then eat tons more tomorrow? I could be skipping 80 calories.

Ugh. What kind of person puts this much thought into whether or not she's gonna eat a cup of soup?
Me. That's who. Because in my head, this is a very important decision which will effect the rest of the night as well as the entire day tomorrow.

Whatever, I'm not gonna eat it.


Isabella.Inspired

Ten.

Today has been pretty good.
I've basically stuck to the plan.

All I've had to drink was water and diet coke.
I had about 1/2 a salad on my break at work.

1/2 a banana just now.

We'll see how tonight goes.
I'm going to a dinner party type of thing and obviously food will be involved.

Good thing I'm vegetarian. :)

I'm hoping that I will do okay.
I'll try to only drink water.

Not going to the gym today. I don't have time. But tomorrow, I'm definitely going.

Foodwise, I'm only going to eat a salad again at work tomorrow.
After work, I dunno.
I'll try to keep it light.

Actually, I won't try. I will keep it light.


I was thinking about coffee.
Good or bad?

It makes your metabolism go faster.
Drinking it black means 0 calories.
But you get used to coffee way to fast meaning it doesn't have such an impact on your metabolism.

It also makes you have to pee all the time.
And dehydration means even slower metabolism.

Is it worth it?
Probably not.

Especially since I don't need another addiction in my life.

Starving my self is enough self harm. Don't you think?

Isabella.Inspired

Nine.

I went to the gym again today for about and hour and a half. It was so nice. And I'm kinda sore, so hopefully that means I did something good. I worked on my arms a bit too. Which I really need.
I took a friend with me. And that's nice because the whole time my brain was just thinking about how I could not let her out-do me. So she encouraged me to work out harder. I like the treadmill and the epileptic machine. Right now, I'm typing this, watching a movie, and stretching out my legs so that I don't get bulk.

That's one of the things I'm afraid of. Bulk. It's one of the reasons why I don't eat enough protein, because protein equals muscle, and muscle equals bulk. I want to be lean and feminine. Not Muscular and manly. Does anybody else feel that way?

Anyways. I work tomorrow. I'm not gonna be able to make it to the gym though. :(
But Sunday i will definitely get my ass over there. I'm afraid to weigh myself. I know I'm losing fat. But I'm also gaining muscle. Which means the scale could still possibly stay the same.
Ugh, I don't know which is better. The scale being lower, or my being skinnier. Because in my eyes, the scale tells you just how skinny you are.

On the eating side or today, I've done pretty well.
I skipped the oatmeal, had a small salad consisting of lettuce, cucumbers, a few croutons, with honey mustard dressing. Next time I'm gonna skip the croutons. And less dressing. I was able to say no to the cheese though.

I also hap 2 slices of pizza. I don't think the damage was too bad. I purged a bit of it. I also purged part of the salad today.

I know purging is bad. But being fat is worse. I'm trying to eat less so that I don't even have to purge though...

I think that's all I've eaten today. Which is great.

For the rest of the night, I'm not quite sure about what I'm gonna do.
I guess it depends on whether or not my mom makes dinner.

Drink wise, I've had water and diet coke.
That's good, right?
Tomorrow I'll try to have less diet coke. And I'll try to stick to water only.

Boy wise, I haven't heard anything back from the guys I went out with.
Whatever, some work out. Others don't.
I'm not gonna worry about it.
There's plenty of other guys I can go after.

Why go after them though?
I'll let them come to me.

That's not gonna happen till I lose weight though..

Anyways, that's it for now.

Isabella.Inspired

Eight.

I got my membership!
At Snap Fitness.
A 24 hour gym.

Meaning that I can workout any day of the week and at any hour that I choose.

I went for about an hour and a half today and it was great. I'm gonna go again after work.
I'm so excited. I loved it so much. I love the machines that show how many calories you're burning.
And I can spend as much time in there as I want.

I'm soooo happy!

Now I can really start losing weight.
Tomorrow I'm also gonna try to watch how much I eat. Maybe oatmeal in the morning. A salad at lunch. And I don't know what my mom is gonna make for dinner so maybe a veggie burger. And the only liquids allowed are water, diet coke, black coffee, and maybe a glass of grapefruit juice.

The only reason I include grape fruit juice is because it burns fat.

So all in all, today was a great day. :)

I hope everyone else had a fantastic day as well.
Keep up the good work.

Isabella.Inspired

Seven.

I can't really tell how I've been doing recently, I'm not eating as much. But I'm still eating, which is the problem. I'm gaining control. I just need to get a full grasp on it. I think I'm losing weight. I'm gonna go get a gym membership tomorrow. I'm excited. I really need it.

My ex has been wanting to talk to me recently. I told him that I don't want to talk though. I told him that we're over, which means that we have no more to discuss. I don't want to be mean, but it has to be this way. We just can't be friends. I don't even want to be friends with him. He wants to see me tomorrow afternoon. He asked me to meet him somewhere. I'm not gonna go though. I can't keep letting him come back, it'll only hurt him more.

Speaking of boys, while I was working I met a couple of guys, I got one of their numbers. Naturally, the boy who didn't give me his number was cuter. I knew one of them from a long time ago, we just had never been friends or anything. Anyways, we decided to go bowling one night. The boy who gave me is number (N) was driving, he was sitting next to some girl. And the cute boy (J) was sitting in the backseat with me. The entire drive I was just thinking about how great this was, how obviously cute boy (J) wasn't with the other girl since they weren't sitting together and I wouldn't have to worry about N because it seemed as if he and the other chick were together. Anyways, we get to the bowling alley and of course Cute boy and the girl kiss each other and make it very clear that they are together. Then the girl turns around and it happens to be my very close, and very eating disordered friend. So I'm like 'hmm, this is cool' But it turns out that I do like N. We're planning on hanging out soon and he's cute too. So it all worked out.

So like I said,, the girl, D has an eating disorder. She weighs about 90lbs and is teeny tiny. I'm very jealous. So she has now become a great thinspiration.

I want to be thin. I will have control.

I have one more day off then I go back to work.
I guess I'm ready to go back. I really need the money. I've been spending way too much lately.
And besides, work is a great way to show off my self control.

Stay thin.

Isabella.Inspired

Six.

Blah Blah Blah.
Last I checked I had lost weight, but today and yesterday I had a semi-binge.
So I probably ballooned back up to my original weight.

I need to start purging again.
I want to get a gym membership.
It's on my to do list.

I also need to be more active and stop laying around all the time.

I really want to lose weight.
Like, Now.

I'm really really gonna go for a no eating day tomorrow.
I really hope I can make it.
I will make it.
I also need to STOP eating at work.
I'm done. No more.

And I'm going to go back to drinking water only.
I'm pretty sure that helped me a lot.

This is gonna take a long time.

In other news, I got a car, it's all registered with insurance and everything.
So at least I won't be at home eating so much now.
I should go running tomorrow.
Yes, I should.

Isabella.Inspired

Five.

Tomorrow, I'm getting a car. I'm so excited.
Because when I get a car, I will have much more freedom.
I can be away from home more, so I don't have to eat so much.
And I can get a gym membership. So I can lose weight!

i weighed myself today, I'm about 7 pounds lighter than I was a week ago.
I don't really think I'm restricting.
But I have been purging.
I know, I know. It's bad for me.
But hey, I'd do anything it takes to lose weight.

I want to lose it NOW.

I want to be a size zero.
I want to where extra small clothes.
I want to have to shop in the kids section.

I want, I want, I want.

And it will happen.

Just you wait and see.




Anyways, to day was an okay day.
I love it when we're busy at work, it means that I have less time to eat.
I need to start eating healthy stuffy.
Stop with all the fried foods.
No more french fries.

I need to eat fruits and vegetables, and drink water.

Especially if I'm gonna throw up. Or else I'll get super dehydrated.
But is it just me who likes the feeling of almost passing out?
The lightheadedness.

So, what's the plan for tomorrow?
maybe some salad, and an orange.
Some vegetable soup.
Maybe I'll let myself have some crackers with it.
And oatmeal.

Ugh, I always feel like I have to eat everything.
As if it won't be available to me later on.
I need to stop that.
I need to get control again.


Blah...

Isabella.Inspired

Four.

Well well well.
After a couple days of not blogging, I needed to get back on here.
I pretty much use this block to keep myself in check. As well as to make sure that I don't slip up again.
I also use this blog to stay inspired by reading the blogs that my beautiful bloggers post.
They always seem like they are so much better than me.
I guess that's probably how everyone of us feel.
So, I did it. I broke my boyfriends heart.
I feel bad of course, but I also feel a lot better.

I can now see that I'm back on track to gaining control of my life once again.
I'm doing a bit better with controlling my eating habits at work.
I also need to keep myself from eating so much at home.
As long as I keep myself busy, I know I can do it.

I've also gone back to throwing up.
I used to do it a lot.
I stopped, and now I've started up again.
It's how I lost so much weight before.
By alternating throwing up with not eating, I lost weight quickly.
I also neeeeeed to start exercising again.
So I guess that if I had an eating disorder, I would be classified as EDNOS.
I don't have an eating disorder though.

I just have disordered eating.

There is a difference.
If I could choose what to be classified as something.
I would want to be Anorexic.
It's just a beautiful word.
The way it flows right of the tip of my tongue,
as if it were the exact same as perfection, and control.

I admire those who can go through the day without letting a morsel pass through their lips.
I respect those people.

I can't be anorexic though.
It requires control. Which I don't have much of.
I am an EDNOS girl.

I can have glimpses of control. I can pretend that I have control. Make everyone else think that I'm in control. and even almost convince myself that I'm the one who has control.
However, the moment that I shove my head down the toilet, I know that what I really am, is out-of-control. The moment I force my fingers to the back of my throat, I realize that there is something wrong with me. I know I'm not normal, and definitely not perfect.
But I'll get there.
One day at time.
One pound at a time.

Stay Strong.

Isabella.Inspired