Thirty.

I. suck. at. life.


i hate being fat.
It needs to go away.


Isabella.Inspired

Twenty Nine.

I'd probably post a lot more if I actually had something great to say. But the fact is, I don't. The only thing I could write about is my failures. Which, by the way, I have many of those.
I feel unworthy of even posting as even as I write this, I'm sitting in a cafe. Eating.
My head is so twisted. I can feel myself slipping into self-hate. I recognize all the feelings that I felt before my downfall. However, last time the feelings are what led up to my weight loss. So hopefully I can transfer this hate from myself, to food. Sound like a plan? I agree.
If it helps though, right now I am eating rather healthy. A all natural blueberry pomegranate smoothie, a salad, carrots, and a veggie wrap. No food would be better. But whatever, at least it's not cake and ice cream.
Going to the gym today. I got a good 2 hours yesterday. Then I worked, went home, slept, ate, and slept again. I was supposed to work today but I called off because I really didn't feel like going.
Anyways, I guess that's all for now.
Stay thin ladies.

Isabella.Inspired

Twenty Eight.

I weigh about 146. I want to get out of the 140's. Desperately.

You know what's weird?
How people with eating disorders generally lose their sense of 'normal.'

For instance, how is standing in the shower with puddles of vomit around your ankles normal?
And is eating the equivalents of 4 meals in one sitting 'normal.'

My problem is, I don't remember what normal is. My body doesn't know when it's full. So I just keep putting food in my mouth. Even when my stomach feels like it's going to burst, my brain still says that I need to eat.I seriously need to put an end to this.

Shoot me.

Isabella.Inspired

Twenty Seven.

Here's to a new beginning.

I hate this continuous cycle that I've been in. I have 1 good week, followed by 3 bad ones.
Time to put an end to this. I've realized that I'm actually quite sick of food. Although I continue to eat it. Why?!

Ugh, It's so frustrating. I don't know how I do it either. Even when I know that I'm full, I still crave food. I know I'm not physically hungry, I just want something to fill this void inside me. Anyways plan for tomorrow, Gym, work, home, gym, home, sleep. Repeat.


Thursday is my final session of therapy from my melt down of July '09. Funny, isn't it? How once I'm being discharged I begin to relapse? Shows how much therapy and shit actually helped me. Maybe I'm relapsing because I'm scared of being alone again. Maybe this is my desperate cry for help. But perhaps it could also be me getting and inch and taking a mile. I'm getting my freedom back, so I'm gonna run with it. Now I can go back to doing what I want.
Not what others think is best for me.


Anyways, I really need to stop eating.
Once again, I need to resort back to writing detailed lists of my daily activities....


Hopefully tomorrow will be a good day.
I'm gonna fast tomorrow.
I just decided it right now.
No food.


Isabella.Inspired

Twenty Six.

Distended Stomach from filling it up and emptying it 5 minutes later.
Scarred Knuckles from scraping against sharp teeth.
Blood Shot Eyes from putting so much strain on them.
Trembling Hands from disturbed electrolytes.
Eroded Teeth from stomach acid running past it.
Sore Back Muscles from dry heaving.
Blueish Nails from vitamin deficiency.
Swollen Tonsils from pushing my fingers past them.
Dry Skin from dehydration.
Destroyed Esophagus from ripping at it with fingernails.

And worst of all...

A Guilty Conscience from knowing that I have destroyed everything that I have worked for.

Control.


Anorexics always seem much more glamorous because they exert a certain sense of control. However, please tell me what is glamorous about stuffing for face with food, and then continuing to shove your head down the toilet and push your fingers to the back of your throat, forcing the vomit to rise from your stomach. Yeah, doesn't sound very pretty to me either.

Anyways, I kind of knew that this was going to happen to me today.
The day started out good. I went to the gym twice.
ate oatmeal, 1/2 banana, and 1/2 cup of granola at work today.

Then proceeded to eat everything I could get my hands on.

Aiming for another SWF this week. Last nights actually went okay.
It wasn't quite as hard to drink all of the water like it normally is.

I got results within the next hour.
I always feel empty after words, but slightly bloated from all the salt. But you know what? I think that the salt is actually really good for me. I never retain water. I'm dehydrated all the time.
I know I'm still losing weight, because the only time I really eat is at night, and I purge right after. And quite frankly, I'm really good at purging. Which is both a blessing and a curse.


Anyways, off to having lovely Ana dreams.

Isabella.Inspired

Twenty Five.

if binging was on the schedule, I'd be on track.

I just ate a shit load.
After my SWF yesterday, you'd think that I would have savored the empty feeling.
But no, I had to blow it.
Do you know what that means?
Another one tonight.

Which sucks for me.
But I completely deserve it.

I think I purged most of what I ate anyways.


The good side is (?) it was more of a controlled binge.
like, I knew that I could stop when I wanted to. I just wanted to keep going so that I could taste everything that I wanted to taste. I also knew the entire time that I was just gonna purge it right back up. But I still know that it's all still left inside of me. :(


Salt water flush, here I come....

I'll probably blog later...

Till then, wish me luck with controlling this raging beast inside of me.

Isabella.Inspired

Twenty Four

-Warning: The following post is going to be rather disgusting. Read at your own will.-

Salt Water Flush:

I did it again. The infamous SWF, let me tell you. No matter how many times you do it, it'll never be fun.
Actually, it's a pretty shitty experience. [No pun intended...]

I drank my liter or salt water - 1 liter of lukewarm water w/ 1 tbsp of seasalt - At 5:50.
it took me 17 minutes to drink it.
A record I do believe.
For those of you who have never done this, it's a lot harder than you can imagine. The second that stuff hits your stomach, you want to vomit it right back up. Which you don't wanna do because that would mean that you swallowed it for no reason.

Anyways, sometimes it takes 30 minutes for it to take its laxative effect. Other times it takes up to 4 hours. Depending on how much salt you use, how empty your stomach is, and how much water you can actually force down. In my case, it took about 2 and a half hours for any sort of 'movement' to happen.
And once it starts, your pretty much stuck on the toilet for ten minutes. Pretty much, after the shit has come out of you,, you're basically just peeing out of your ass. Everything is watery and disgusting.

But on a good note, when you wake up the next morning, you feel absolutely empty inside.
My favorite feeling in the world.
Most people recommend doing it in the morning. But I prefer Salt Water Flushing at the end of my day, when I know that I have easy access to the toilet. I don't have to leave my house. Plus, like I said, you get to wake up the next morning knowing that all the torture you put your intestines through was absolutely 100% worth it.

Off to the bathroom again.


Isabella.Inspired